Make it stop, please

As my trip to Homestead to watch NASCAR continues I had a major issue today.   We were watching the cars practice before the late afternoon race.  Lots of noise, a beer, some food and lots of sun.  I'm sitting with my sister-in-law and her husband.

I started feeling weird and nervous.   If I knew what schizophrenia was, I imagined I had it today.   I excused myslef and told them I was just going to go for a walk for awhile and get my head together.   I probably walked for the better part of an hour then I started feeling a crushing sorrow.   Maybe because I'm doing something I only did with my Wife and family, maybe there was a sound or odor, perfume but I was absolutely overwhelmed by sorrow.  I couldn't breath I couldn't organize my thoughts.  I headed back into the grandstands and I couldn't find my lifeline, my sister-in-law.   I was on the verge of bursting into tears while being stressed by the whole situation.   I finally found my sister-in-law and hand signaled that I needed her to come an talk to me instantly, and she did.

She walked with me, held my hand as I broke down.  She saved me from being alone in a crisis. I couldn't breath, couldn't talk, barely walk and was not in control.

I have been shot at with guns, motars and missiles.  I've been in car accidents, fights, near plane wrecks, riots and outside during killer blizzards.  I cannot begin to write about all the things that should have, and in some cases, hurt me physically and maybe psychologically.   And I sit here today proud that I survived.  

I'm not doing this widow thing very well, survival is the only option, I'm not sure what I should be doing.