I have lost my mate of 40+ years. It has only been 3 weeks but it seems like months or years. Should it be such a change? The past two days have been miserable/terrible. The memories, thoughts, the self doubt is almost overwhelming. I decided I'd better write to see it that helps.
Cleaning the house is fairly painful. The simple task of removing a magnet from the refrigerator brings forth a flood of unmanly tears and a near crushing sorrow. I cannot predict what will trigger one of these events. And I don't get a lot of warning.
Work is not a bad place to be, but at times thoughts creep into my mind of things I haven't worried about or that I should worry about. Then I get distracted. The work manager is very accomodating and they have made allowances for my distractions. I don't know how long this generosity will exist.
I have to be very careful about what songs I let my phone play when I'm driving. I can't let it shuffle. I found out the hard way when the Beach Boys started playing on the way home. I had to pull over.
It is very difficult to go to my wife's church. The first time I went, to "help" with the arrangements, I felt like I was being crushed and it was next to impossible to breath. I was finally able to walk into the eye of the hurricane (her CCD classroom) and I didn't die. I did succumb. I've been back a few times trying to adapt, or relate, or feel or something. I'm getting tougher. I'd hate to accept any other reason for not having an immense amount of sorrow.
Enough with the misery, how about a 1/2 misery story.
Change - One of the new changes that is most challenging, is finding the car. I always let my wife drive. She really disliked the way I drove, I could get lost easily, and I didn't mind the way she drove. When we finished shopping I would just walk beside her and we would end up at the car. Last week I had to run to the grocery store (another new task) and when I came out of the store I realized I did not know where I had left my car. On your electronic key fobs there is an alarm button. It has much greater range then the lock and unlock button.
I'm not sure what my next steps are or where they will take me. I do think it will be a positive event.
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