Thankyou

Another milestone has been achieved, and in time for Memorial Day.  Mary's headstone is in place.  I took her peach colored roses the other day, her favorite.  Craig II and I went to visit for Mother's Day.  I took pictures of her headstone to her family reunion last week.  Without exception there was amazement with her service in Vietnam and Persian Gulf.  She's my war hero.

At the reunion I had several really helpful discussions with some of Mary's relatives.  It has promoted this writing.  I'm so very thankful to several folks who have given greatly of themselves to help me heal and progress.

First let me thank Bryn.  Bryn was a boss, a coworker and more importanly one hell of a great friend.  When Mary had her heart attack in 2001, on Sept 11, she didn't want anyone to know she had a heart attack.  She made me promise not to tell her mom, our son, friends, relatives, etc.  The mental burden on me was extreme.  I called Bryn at a late hour after driving around for many hours trying to understand what was going on and hoping this wouldn't result in her death.  It didn't but it did result in a double bypass.  Anyway, I called Bryn, he said I could come visit, and I did.  It was a great help.  Eleven years later, on the same date Bryn was there to lend support and an ear.  And he has been there every time I've felt the need.  Not to mention the cooking lessions and breakfasts.

There are many others that have stepped up.  Tom. Tim, Al, Audrey, Pat, Gina, Martha and more recently Marsha and Tracy.   Tracy is the wife of one of Mary's cousins.   She recently shared some very sage advice, and I appreciate that.   There are so many things I need to thank all of you for sharing, providing, or just listening.

In the past month my company decided that I needed to be RIF'd.  So currently I'm unemployed, and I may stay that way.  I didn't want to retire yet, but that is because I didn't want to make another significant change in my life in a 12 month period.  The retirement/unemployment has given me more time to think about things that I really didn't want to think about.  This isn't a cry for help, it is just an acknowledgement of appreciation to all those that stand up during an emotional need.  Thank you so very very much.

Another Achievement

It has turned out great.  Lots of lights, Lots of storage space and really nice appliances.

Two things in particular stand out.  One is the cabinet above the open counter area - a cabinet with glass doors on both sides that make it easy to access and to display some unique German Beer glasses.  I really, really like it.  and second is the tile work for the back splash.  It starts left of the stove, goes above and below the window and all the way to the sliding door.  It is excellent.  Also, in the second picture you'll see that I removed the room dividing ballisters, and the construction guy put down a slab of granite left over from making the counter tops.  The granite on the counter top is very nice and the job done on the seems is excellent.  I'm still trying to get the kitchen organized as to where I put pans, knives, etc.  I'm learning as I cook.  Also, notice the stove has a bottom drawer that is actually another oven that I can cook something like biscuits while something different cooks in the convection oven above.

It feels like my place now.  It is another of the changes that continue to affect, infect my life.

This past six months has been an unimaginable journey.  There have been lots of downs to it, and so few ups.  I have many, many friends to thank for their support.  If you have talked to me in the past six months, you know who you are, and to each of you I owe a great debt of thanks.  You have but to ask and I will be there for you.  Whatever you need, ask and I'll try my best to provide.   It can be a place to stay, moral support, a free meal, a shoulder to cry on.   You have but to ask.  I cannot possibly repay you in anyway for all you each have done for me, but I will try.

Almost Done

Almost Done

Neighbors

For the most part I do not know my neighbors.  On one side of my house I have the Taxi Cab family and on the other side I have the transient residence for folks moving to America from overseas.  Across the street I have the lady that doesn't like my leaf blower - but she spends time outside growing things.  Scattered throughout the neighborhood I know three families that have lived in this neighborhood, like me, since it was built in 1983.  For the most part the neighbors on either side seemed to have been antagonist to my wife's existence.  I can't count the number of times she would remark about them not mowing, not spraying for weeds,  having too many people in their homes, parking the wrong way and so on.   I never interacted with the neighbors and really thought that they disliked my wife just based on the number of times I saw my wife yell at their kids for riding the bikes on our grass, or throwing a ball in the yard. 

About a month ago the transient residents stopped my sister-in-law and asked about Mary.  Pat explained that Mary had died.  She said the neighbors offered their condolences and even offered to come over an cook a meal for me if I really needed it.

Yesterday the taxi cab family wife waved me over to her as I was returning home from a class.  She asked if everything was OK because she had not seen my wife in a long time.  I explained to her that my wife had died last September.  She seemed honestly concerned and expressed her condolences.  Her English is a bit rough but we stood and talked for a bit and she showed me where her pacemaker had been installed. 

Who knew?  I was flabbergasted to think that these ladies ever talked to my wife and had a civil conversation, but evidently there was more to my wife's daily existence then yelling at neighborhood kids.  Mary didn't communicate the simple things in her life to me.  She conveyed the extremes.  The really, really good things like CCD and NASCAR, and the really, really bad things like neighbor kids, bad drivers and people who don't know how to do their own taxes (I guess I was an exception on the last one.). 

Things need to be different.  I can't go back an right my perceived wrongs of the past.  I can work to make it different in the future. 

Kind of a before and now pictures.

Kitchen Continued

The work in the kitchen continues.  I talked to the contractor today and he said it should be all wrapped up by a week from Friday.

The light fixtures are all in, the dishwasher as been added, the mop board has been installed all the way around and the measurements are all done for the counter top which is suppose to arrive next Monday.  The issues that have popped up concern the size of the stove and it's configuration.  With all the knobs on the front, the dishwasher had to be moved over and the sink had to move so the dishwasher would clear the stove.  It is an experience and now that I've been through it once I have ideas on how to do it better next time, but I don't imagine a next time.  In the second picture above, the pantry is about center on the picture.  It has shelves.drawers that pull out to allow ease of access.  I didn't order them, the contractor did that for me.   They are very nice, good addition.  

I'm very happy with what I selected for the kitchen appliances.  The refrigerator is very quiet and is working well and the stove includes a heating box (bottom drawer) and it is a convection oven with lots of features that I may never figure out.  Supposedly the counter top will be ordered this week and installed next week, fingers crossed.  The speed of the effort isn't break neck, but it is getting done.

Yaaayy!   The cabinets were roughed in yesterday and the lead carpenter and I spent a while looking at the arrangements.  We made some minor moves of lower cabinets, I'm happy with the top ones.  I'm especially happy with the cabinet in the second picture on the top right corner.  They have ordered a special glass for the cabinet.  The lower cabinets on the island open from both sides.   In the third picture the pantry in the back left will have slide out shelves, wow.  The drawers and doors have slow closing mechanisms that keep them from banging.  These cabinets are bigger than the old cabinets and since I've gotten rid of lots of stuff, I shouldn't have any problem storing everything.   In the bottom picture on the left is a door, that is going in the bathroom so all the old brown doors will be gone.  Then a set of cabinets will go across the top and the new refrigerator and microwave will be on that wall. By the end of the week they should order the new granite counter top and then that should be a one day install next week - fingers crossed.

Money can't buy happiness

Lots of people say it, and it gets repeated to me every now and again that money can't buy happiness.  This is my new set of wheels, 333 horsepower, 255 ft lbs of torque, capable of 155 mph(but it supposedly is limited to 130 but I don't think I'll ever find out) and it is a convertible.  Does it make me happy? It places a huge smile on my face when I'm driving.   I feel happy when I'm driving.  I don't seem to think about much else when I'm driving.   Does it may be happy?  The philosophical question is, What is happiness?

Mentally, I'm in on a low this week.   Multiple things seem to be causing this, and the other night I really missed Mary.  I wanted her to see what I was doing, and approve of it.  Sunday, when I went for a drive in 50 degree weather with the top down, I was smiling and enjoying myself and I believed I was happy.  Later in the evening I was back to an emotional low.  Up and down and up and down.   The car makes me smile.

Did it buy me happiness, yes, but it wasn't permanent happiness.  I've gained control of my emotions for the most part.  There are still times when I tear up or cry, but they are fewer and fewer.  As I continue to reorganize our home I come across things that make me smile and evoke great memories.  I'm mentally filing them away for future rainy days.

Money won't buy me happiness, but being poor won't make me permanently happy either.  For now I'll accept that happiness is a moment to moment feeling that may someday be permanent regardless of how much or how little money I spend.  In the mean time, I'll continue to try and buy happiness, it's my money, I'm not in debt, I am low on happiness.  Next stop?  A trip to warmer climate for a week.  Where should I go?    

Kitchen

Yes - the remodeling of the kitchen has begun.  A couple of months after Mary died I decided that I'd do the kitchen remodel that Mary and I had discussed.  I talked to a couple of realtors and they said I should remodel the bathrooms if I wanted to improved the resale of the house.   I'm not worried about selling the house.  Haven't given it much thought.  I can't even figure out what I want to be doing with myself, let alone a home.  So, I've picked out new cabinets, new appliances, paint, etc and here we go.

It was time

I have avoided going to Arlington National Cemetery.  I've said it was too cold, too windy, too whatever.    I've allowed other things to get in the way as excuses.  It was past time to visit.  A friend of mine had written me and said that he stopped by Mary's grave site and she had new neighbors.

Last Saturday I decided it was past time.  I asked a good friend to go with me, kind of a safety net in case, well in case I needed some one to drive.  She stepped up and said of course and actually said she thought it was an honor that I would ask her to go with me.

It was a quick drive.  In retrospect I realize it I was very chatty as the trip started and by the time we got near the Pentagon I started getting very quiet.  When you have a loved one buried at Arlington you get a special pass for your car.   This pass gets you through two layers of traffic control and allows you to drive to the road nearest your loved ones grave site and park.  It is very nice.  I drove up within probably 100 yards of Mary's site.   Marsha and I got out and strolled towards Mary's grave site.  Marsha reached out and grabbed my hand.  It was reassuring to have someone hold my hand as we walked closer.  It wasn't too hard to find Mary's grave.  Right now there is a little metal frame that holds a card with Mary's name on it.  At that moment, even with Marsha holding my hand, everything else disappeared.  I know the wind was blowing, I know it was cold, I know my hand was being held, but all that disappeared for a few seconds.  I miss Mary.  I don't know how long I stood there, it wasn't but a moment.  I knew that I couldn't do it for long as my emotions were spinning up and then I realized I wasn't by myself and there was someone next to me, probably getting very cold.  I turned to my left and saw the USAF Memorial up by Henderson Hall.  I turned a few degrees more to my left and saw the Pentagon, as I continued turning left I saw the Jefferson Memorial, Washington Monument and then the Lincoln Memorial.  It is a very nice site.

It was a good day.  I'm sure there are more good days ahead.

Laurel Hills Memorial Park called looking for Mary.  It was time to renew the flower delivery to Mary's mom's grave site down by Fredericksburg.   When I explained to the young lady that Mary had died, the young lady apologized for bothering me and offered her condolences and was ready to hang up when I stopped her.   I was struck by the fact she wasn't going to try to keep selling me something like so many other telephone solicitors that have called in recent months.  I signed up for another year of flowers.

I do things and I can't explain why I do them, and sometimes I dont' care why I do them.  Sometimes I think for hours trying to understand my motives.  It doesn't matter. It is only important to me.

A Good Week

I have an internal score keeping system for defining "A good week".   It is the number of times I cry.  The fewer times I cry, the better the week.   Now to be honest, I can read some of my previous posts and I'll cry so I throw those out.   Those are known moments that I can recognize and I am willing to deal with them on an individual basis.   The ones I count are the ones I don't expect.  When I'm doing something around the house is the most common time for a cry that I didn't expect. Sometimes it is music.   It definitely isn't when I'm cooking.  Nothing I've cooked so far matches what Mary did and a large part of that is because she did it and I just enjoyed it. 

Lets Eat - As an uneducated single person your options are most commonly McDonalds, Chik-Fil-A, etc.   If you do something like Let's Dish you need to be ready to feed at least 2 people but usually 4 or more.  You can go to the frozen food section of a grocery store and get individual frozen meals.   Or you can enroll in one of those programs like Weight Watchers.  They cater to the single diner.  If you go out to a nice dinner place you can stare at your reflection in the wine glass and watch other folks stare at you, or so it seems.  Recently Whole Foods has been getting my lunchtime business because they have a great buffet and a good selection of prepared foods.  Can't get a glass of wine until after 6 PM.   Even though they are Whole Foods, they aren't that low on the caloric content.   I have to pay attention.  This is just kind of a whine, no real soul searching here.   I like to eat when I'm hungry.   I'm not fond of frozen meals or left overs.

Still trying to plan my future.   I'm pretty sure I'll figure it out, just not real soon.   The new fence to keep Houdini in will be installed this weekend.   It has rails and spikes closer together, and it is just a little bit bigger - I needed more square pooperage to handle my Son/Daughter-in-laws two hounds plus mine.   My dog is doing better.  He spends more time around me and he doesn't lay by the front door so much at night.   He has a walker visit him 3 times a week, I may need to increase that just to make his day better. 

Wine of the month Cote' du Rhone.  Same cigars and now some Amaretto.  I'm scoring this week as making progress. 

Pride

Today, the USAF made me proud.  The Arlington National Cemetery staff did an outstanding job organizing Mary's internment (There were 3 separate ceremonies beginning at 1100).  We were organized  and led to the transition point where Mary's casket was removed from the hearse by a sharp bunch of USAF Airmen (men and women) and placed on the Caisson.  Then the USAF Band struck up The USAF Hymn.  The Band, at a glance, had 30 members.  There was a color guard of 4, there was a ceremonial firing squad of 8, and squadron of 24 armed airmen.  They demonstrated all the professionalism and decorum appropriate and I can only hope that in all the years I worked much smaller ceremonies as a color guard, that I looked half as good and acted half as professional.  The NCOIC presented me with the flag and faithfully repeated the "On behalf the President, Sec Def, etc and a grateful nation...".  I honestly only heard the first four words.  When I thought I was almost done a young hostess from the Arlington Cemetery Family presented me a personal note from the Chief of Staff of the USAF, Mike Walsh and his wife Betty.  Even if it is proforma, it sincerely touched me that there is a process for remembering and recognizing.  Mary now lies in section 54, not far from the visitors center and as you stand by her grave you can see the USAF Memorial and if you turn a little you can see the Pentagon, then the Washington Monument.   Section 54 is very nice.  It is going to take another 4-5 months for the headstone to be made, delivered and installed.  When it is installed you'll be able to go online and look at it, or so they said.  Yes TAPS still makes me cry - have you ever heard the unofficial words?  Day is done, gone the sun, From the hills, from the lake, From the skies. All is well, safely rest, God is nigh.  Yes, the USAF made be proud to have been a member and served. 

Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more

It began four months ago, and it is still over 15 hours before something happens.   I've had the flu for a week and it has ruined my appetite, and made me feel like shit for hours on end.  Yesterday I was hungry and actually ate supper (dinner to you east coasters).  Today my appetite has once again left and I thought it might be the flu hanging on, now I know so much better.  I can feel the stress and I recognize all the symptoms from other events.  Make it stop please.  

Tomorrow is going to be impossible and snow is forecast, which isn't a bad thing.   Mary liked walking in the fresh falling snow listening to the crunch and being amazed at the completeness of the quiet and the light show as the flakes danced in the beams of street lights.   My son and I had a nice talk today.   We discussed our expectations from tomorrow's internment at Arlington National Cemetry.  

My son has no expectations.   I have hopes and my expectations are limited to my desire to be able to grab ahold of my emotions and as of right this second I know that is a lost cause.   

I'm not sure about soooo many things.  Even after the ceremony, what next.  I haven't been drunk in probably 15 or more years.  I would love to get silly drunk tonight and miss tomorrow's event.   Not really, I want Mary to receive all the honors she deserves, and I want to be there, but I don't   I hope, I just hope I can make it through tomorrow, tonight would be nice, but tomorrow for sure.