A Good Week

I have an internal score keeping system for defining "A good week".   It is the number of times I cry.  The fewer times I cry, the better the week.   Now to be honest, I can read some of my previous posts and I'll cry so I throw those out.   Those are known moments that I can recognize and I am willing to deal with them on an individual basis.   The ones I count are the ones I don't expect.  When I'm doing something around the house is the most common time for a cry that I didn't expect. Sometimes it is music.   It definitely isn't when I'm cooking.  Nothing I've cooked so far matches what Mary did and a large part of that is because she did it and I just enjoyed it. 

Lets Eat - As an uneducated single person your options are most commonly McDonalds, Chik-Fil-A, etc.   If you do something like Let's Dish you need to be ready to feed at least 2 people but usually 4 or more.  You can go to the frozen food section of a grocery store and get individual frozen meals.   Or you can enroll in one of those programs like Weight Watchers.  They cater to the single diner.  If you go out to a nice dinner place you can stare at your reflection in the wine glass and watch other folks stare at you, or so it seems.  Recently Whole Foods has been getting my lunchtime business because they have a great buffet and a good selection of prepared foods.  Can't get a glass of wine until after 6 PM.   Even though they are Whole Foods, they aren't that low on the caloric content.   I have to pay attention.  This is just kind of a whine, no real soul searching here.   I like to eat when I'm hungry.   I'm not fond of frozen meals or left overs.

Still trying to plan my future.   I'm pretty sure I'll figure it out, just not real soon.   The new fence to keep Houdini in will be installed this weekend.   It has rails and spikes closer together, and it is just a little bit bigger - I needed more square pooperage to handle my Son/Daughter-in-laws two hounds plus mine.   My dog is doing better.  He spends more time around me and he doesn't lay by the front door so much at night.   He has a walker visit him 3 times a week, I may need to increase that just to make his day better. 

Wine of the month Cote' du Rhone.  Same cigars and now some Amaretto.  I'm scoring this week as making progress. 

Pride

Today, the USAF made me proud.  The Arlington National Cemetery staff did an outstanding job organizing Mary's internment (There were 3 separate ceremonies beginning at 1100).  We were organized  and led to the transition point where Mary's casket was removed from the hearse by a sharp bunch of USAF Airmen (men and women) and placed on the Caisson.  Then the USAF Band struck up The USAF Hymn.  The Band, at a glance, had 30 members.  There was a color guard of 4, there was a ceremonial firing squad of 8, and squadron of 24 armed airmen.  They demonstrated all the professionalism and decorum appropriate and I can only hope that in all the years I worked much smaller ceremonies as a color guard, that I looked half as good and acted half as professional.  The NCOIC presented me with the flag and faithfully repeated the "On behalf the President, Sec Def, etc and a grateful nation...".  I honestly only heard the first four words.  When I thought I was almost done a young hostess from the Arlington Cemetery Family presented me a personal note from the Chief of Staff of the USAF, Mike Walsh and his wife Betty.  Even if it is proforma, it sincerely touched me that there is a process for remembering and recognizing.  Mary now lies in section 54, not far from the visitors center and as you stand by her grave you can see the USAF Memorial and if you turn a little you can see the Pentagon, then the Washington Monument.   Section 54 is very nice.  It is going to take another 4-5 months for the headstone to be made, delivered and installed.  When it is installed you'll be able to go online and look at it, or so they said.  Yes TAPS still makes me cry - have you ever heard the unofficial words?  Day is done, gone the sun, From the hills, from the lake, From the skies. All is well, safely rest, God is nigh.  Yes, the USAF made be proud to have been a member and served. 

Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more

It began four months ago, and it is still over 15 hours before something happens.   I've had the flu for a week and it has ruined my appetite, and made me feel like shit for hours on end.  Yesterday I was hungry and actually ate supper (dinner to you east coasters).  Today my appetite has once again left and I thought it might be the flu hanging on, now I know so much better.  I can feel the stress and I recognize all the symptoms from other events.  Make it stop please.  

Tomorrow is going to be impossible and snow is forecast, which isn't a bad thing.   Mary liked walking in the fresh falling snow listening to the crunch and being amazed at the completeness of the quiet and the light show as the flakes danced in the beams of street lights.   My son and I had a nice talk today.   We discussed our expectations from tomorrow's internment at Arlington National Cemetry.  

My son has no expectations.   I have hopes and my expectations are limited to my desire to be able to grab ahold of my emotions and as of right this second I know that is a lost cause.   

I'm not sure about soooo many things.  Even after the ceremony, what next.  I haven't been drunk in probably 15 or more years.  I would love to get silly drunk tonight and miss tomorrow's event.   Not really, I want Mary to receive all the honors she deserves, and I want to be there, but I don't   I hope, I just hope I can make it through tomorrow, tonight would be nice, but tomorrow for sure.