Reality Check

I made an incorrect statement recently. I said I had lostmy wife. My wife didn't get lost or she didn't pass, she died. As I progress through my grief, with help, I'm finding out, hopefully, how to cope. It has been pointed out that I need to acknowledge the death of my wife, not just look at it as a passing, like you drive past a church or a circus, and she didn't get lost, and I didn't lose her. This death can't be passsed, death has to be acknowledged and dealth with. I was not prepared for how hard it was to announce to myself that my wife died. It is even harder to write about it and the act of telling other people has been crushing.

I still feel so disorganized and that I'm playing catchup for the day-to-day. It is tiring and at times a struggle. I didn't pay bills before, I've never done on-line banking and I have other items that are extra to a day-to-day effort. I have insurance claims, credit cards and the like that need to be closed, open, paid off, etc. Mary was the prime on a couple of cards and I was on others. If she was prime, when the Social Security Administration notified the credit reporters of Mary's death, the credit card companies suspended the accounts. So I've been closing, opening and just making decisions.


Enough for now I need some me/private time.

Significant Emotional Event

I have lost my mate of 40+ years. It has only been 3 weeks but it seems like months or years. Should it be such a change? The past two days have been miserable/terrible. The memories, thoughts, the self doubt is almost overwhelming. I decided I'd better write to see it that helps.

Cleaning the house is fairly painful. The simple task of removing a magnet from the refrigerator brings forth a flood of unmanly tears and a near crushing sorrow. I cannot predict what will trigger one of these events. And I don't get a lot of warning.

Work is not a bad place to be, but at times thoughts creep into my mind of things I haven't worried about or that I should worry about. Then I get distracted. The work manager is very accomodating and they have made allowances for my distractions. I don't know how long this generosity will exist.

I have to be very careful about what songs I let my phone play when I'm driving. I can't let it shuffle. I found out the hard way when the Beach Boys started playing on the way home. I had to pull over.

It is very difficult to go to my wife's church. The first time I went, to "help" with the arrangements, I felt like I was being crushed and it was next to impossible to breath. I was finally able to walk into the eye of the hurricane (her CCD classroom) and I didn't die. I did succumb. I've been back a few times trying to adapt, or relate, or feel or something. I'm getting tougher. I'd hate to accept any other reason for not having an immense amount of sorrow.

Enough with the misery, how about a 1/2 misery story.

Change - One of the new changes that is most challenging, is finding the car. I always let my wife drive. She really disliked the way I drove, I could get lost easily, and I didn't mind the way she drove. When we finished shopping I would just walk beside her and we would end up at the car. Last week I had to run to the grocery store (another new task) and when I came out of the store I realized I did not know where I had left my car. On your electronic key fobs there is an alarm button. It has much greater range then the lock and unlock button. I'm not sure what my next steps are or where they will take me. I do think it will be a positive event.

Hoopla

hoop·la   [hoop-lah] noun Informal . 1.bustling excitement or activity; commotion; hullabaloo; to-do. 2.sensational publicity; ballyhoo. 3.speech or writing intended to mislead or to obscure an issue. There has been an amount of hoopla about a place known as the Melting Pot. My wife and I gather with two other couples on a regular basis. Each time one of the couples has the responsibility of finding a place for dinner, working the schedules and making the reservations. We've been to some really nice places. Regardless of where we go we always have a good time. Back to hoopla. The melting pot is a hat and not many cattle. The food is nice, okay, but I don't think that you get bang for the buck. It's a fondue place. The appetizers were really good, the deserts were good. The main course, well it was ok. I don't expect anyone who reads this to be going there, but be forwarned. It is a unique experience, the service was some of the best I've ever had.

Are you looking at the problem, are you listening

The man is walking down a road out in the country one day and he sees a farmer out in an apple orchard The farmer is holding a large pig in his arms, and the pig is eating an apple from the tree. The man walks up to the farmer and says, “Wouldn’t it save time to pick the apple and let the pig eat it off the ground?”
The farmer says, “What’s time to a pig?”

I feel this way at work way to often. I ask a question and I get an answer, but not to the question. Reading it in the context of this joke, it is possible that I did not properly word the question. Wouldn't it save the Farmer time to pick the apple and let the pig eat it off the ground.

Guess I better take another look at my communications skill.

Getting set up

100 years of Scouting

....unimpeded by progress. It is the 16th of July and I'v made my way to Fort A.P. Hill near Bolling Green, Virginia. It is the 100th anniversary of the Boy Scouts of America. It is time for the Jamboree. I'm down here with my Wife and 6 other guys, we are known as the Gophers. We go for what ever, and we spend a majority of our time on the road between A.P. Hill and the airports that service the Jamboree - Dulles, Reagan National, and Richmond. On a given day we will cover 300-600 miles. We will spend a week getting all the staff in here, then we will instantly start taking people out for family emergencies, illness, etc. In the next 4 days we will bring in 1700 adult/staff, which help put this event together for about 30,000 youth. This is the last time we will be at AP Hill. Congress declared that if the US Army couldn't support all non-profit organizations, then they can't support the Boy Scouts.

I meet a New Friend Every Weekend

About 4 years ago My Father mentioned that he was having issues remembering things.

Dad was born on the 21st of June, 1924. His name is Delwin Leroy Goheen, he is the second of four children born to Maurice Sebastian and Clara Goheen. He was born in Osborne County Kansas. He was not born in a hospital, but in a house. Dad served in the US Navy during World War II, and his ship sailed the Yangtze river - an LSCL # 73. Dad exemplifies "The Greatest Generation". He was a philosopher in his own way. He set his standards high, and he always tried to exceed his standard.

In my teens I often helped Dad as he hired out at night an weekends to make enough money support a wife and five kids. Back then I expect the food bills were enormous. Dad wired houses, fixed swamp coolers, built things, painted things, fixed lights and more. Each time we went to someone's house Dad made sure we wiped our shoes, or removed them before we went in, and we cleaned up so it looked as good or better than when we started.

Dad is a Distinguished Rifleman, and in fact the Kansas State Rifle Association has a Trophy named in recognition of his accomplishments and support.

But, Dad doesn't remember any of that. At first I noticed his short term memory was not working. We could talk in our weekly phone calls about what he did years ago, but not about what happened the day before. Then that memory started disappearing. Now I call him on Sundays and each time I call it is a brand new conversation with a new person. I introduce myself, and he is polite, but he really doesn't know who I am. We chat about the weather, his health and what he's been doing. He is pretty good on the health part, at that moment in time, but everything else just happens.

I've talked to staff on may occasions and they say he is very helpful, quiet, and polite. When given an opportunity he likes to go for rides in the care center's limousine. They like Del. I enjoy meeting my new fried every weekend, I hope in enjoys the calls.