Make it stop, please

As my trip to Homestead to watch NASCAR continues I had a major issue today.   We were watching the cars practice before the late afternoon race.  Lots of noise, a beer, some food and lots of sun.  I'm sitting with my sister-in-law and her husband.

I started feeling weird and nervous.   If I knew what schizophrenia was, I imagined I had it today.   I excused myslef and told them I was just going to go for a walk for awhile and get my head together.   I probably walked for the better part of an hour then I started feeling a crushing sorrow.   Maybe because I'm doing something I only did with my Wife and family, maybe there was a sound or odor, perfume but I was absolutely overwhelmed by sorrow.  I couldn't breath I couldn't organize my thoughts.  I headed back into the grandstands and I couldn't find my lifeline, my sister-in-law.   I was on the verge of bursting into tears while being stressed by the whole situation.   I finally found my sister-in-law and hand signaled that I needed her to come an talk to me instantly, and she did.

She walked with me, held my hand as I broke down.  She saved me from being alone in a crisis. I couldn't breath, couldn't talk, barely walk and was not in control.

I have been shot at with guns, motars and missiles.  I've been in car accidents, fights, near plane wrecks, riots and outside during killer blizzards.  I cannot begin to write about all the things that should have, and in some cases, hurt me physically and maybe psychologically.   And I sit here today proud that I survived.  

I'm not doing this widow thing very well, survival is the only option, I'm not sure what I should be doing.

Cigars and Life

It is November.  My wife has been dead for 2 months and it will be about 2 more months before she will be buried at Arlington National Cemetery with full military honors, by the USAF Honor Guard.  Yes there is a waiting list for Arlington.  I'm in Florida with my wife's sister and her husband.  (i'm not sure how to refer to them.  She was my sister-in-law for 40 years.   I guess I'll keep her as my sister-in-law regardless).  I'm in Florida because My wife had arranged this trip back in February.   This is the annual trip to Homstead, Florida for the very last race of the NASCAR season.   Mary would arrange this trip every year along with a trip to Dover.   The four of us would travel, eat, drink, watch races and generally we would live life.   

Mary's not here this trip.  My wife's sister and husband get to put up with me and entertain me, or humor me or just listen to me.  Expedia screwed up our reservations and that put some added stress on me yesterday, but I didn't throw the phone and I didn't use any profanity to the Expedia folks.   Never again with Expedia.  

So,  last night I asked Mike if he ever smoked a cigar.  He said yes.  The last cigar I remember was in 1973, in Thailand where I was a security policeman.  When I was in Vietnam I started smoking because there were cigarettes in the C-rations.  I kept it up for over 20 years.   In 1973, I'd go a pick up some Hava Tampa's and take them out when I was the north perimeter patrol (jeep).  So i've never smoked a real cigar.

Last night we headed over to a local liquor store, bought some expensive cigars in glass tubes, got some Grand Marnier, got a cigar cutter and then we went back to the veranda at the hotel and lit up and drank up.   We had discussions that for some reason we have never had before.  We told war stories, passed around compliments, renewed our friendship.   I decided I needed my picture taken with a cigar and here I am.   

In what currently seems like a dessert of sorrow, for a while I found an oasis.

Some fun for my dog

Last Saturday My son and his wife took my dog to a special day at our local veterinary. The veterinary had special treats (kind of Halloween thing), scarves etc.   As a special treat they had a Psychic for the dogs.   As the psychic looked at my dog he said my dog was saying "Maggie".  I have no idea what that could be unless my wife changed her name.   My son and his wife said it was lots of fun and the psychic was at least entertaining.  What do you say about a pet psychic?  Nothing - she already knows.

Reality Check

I made an incorrect statement recently. I said I had lostmy wife. My wife didn't get lost or she didn't pass, she died. As I progress through my grief, with help, I'm finding out, hopefully, how to cope. It has been pointed out that I need to acknowledge the death of my wife, not just look at it as a passing, like you drive past a church or a circus, and she didn't get lost, and I didn't lose her. This death can't be passsed, death has to be acknowledged and dealth with. I was not prepared for how hard it was to announce to myself that my wife died. It is even harder to write about it and the act of telling other people has been crushing.

I still feel so disorganized and that I'm playing catchup for the day-to-day. It is tiring and at times a struggle. I didn't pay bills before, I've never done on-line banking and I have other items that are extra to a day-to-day effort. I have insurance claims, credit cards and the like that need to be closed, open, paid off, etc. Mary was the prime on a couple of cards and I was on others. If she was prime, when the Social Security Administration notified the credit reporters of Mary's death, the credit card companies suspended the accounts. So I've been closing, opening and just making decisions.


Enough for now I need some me/private time.

Significant Emotional Event

I have lost my mate of 40+ years. It has only been 3 weeks but it seems like months or years. Should it be such a change? The past two days have been miserable/terrible. The memories, thoughts, the self doubt is almost overwhelming. I decided I'd better write to see it that helps.

Cleaning the house is fairly painful. The simple task of removing a magnet from the refrigerator brings forth a flood of unmanly tears and a near crushing sorrow. I cannot predict what will trigger one of these events. And I don't get a lot of warning.

Work is not a bad place to be, but at times thoughts creep into my mind of things I haven't worried about or that I should worry about. Then I get distracted. The work manager is very accomodating and they have made allowances for my distractions. I don't know how long this generosity will exist.

I have to be very careful about what songs I let my phone play when I'm driving. I can't let it shuffle. I found out the hard way when the Beach Boys started playing on the way home. I had to pull over.

It is very difficult to go to my wife's church. The first time I went, to "help" with the arrangements, I felt like I was being crushed and it was next to impossible to breath. I was finally able to walk into the eye of the hurricane (her CCD classroom) and I didn't die. I did succumb. I've been back a few times trying to adapt, or relate, or feel or something. I'm getting tougher. I'd hate to accept any other reason for not having an immense amount of sorrow.

Enough with the misery, how about a 1/2 misery story.

Change - One of the new changes that is most challenging, is finding the car. I always let my wife drive. She really disliked the way I drove, I could get lost easily, and I didn't mind the way she drove. When we finished shopping I would just walk beside her and we would end up at the car. Last week I had to run to the grocery store (another new task) and when I came out of the store I realized I did not know where I had left my car. On your electronic key fobs there is an alarm button. It has much greater range then the lock and unlock button. I'm not sure what my next steps are or where they will take me. I do think it will be a positive event.

Hoopla

hoop·la   [hoop-lah] noun Informal . 1.bustling excitement or activity; commotion; hullabaloo; to-do. 2.sensational publicity; ballyhoo. 3.speech or writing intended to mislead or to obscure an issue. There has been an amount of hoopla about a place known as the Melting Pot. My wife and I gather with two other couples on a regular basis. Each time one of the couples has the responsibility of finding a place for dinner, working the schedules and making the reservations. We've been to some really nice places. Regardless of where we go we always have a good time. Back to hoopla. The melting pot is a hat and not many cattle. The food is nice, okay, but I don't think that you get bang for the buck. It's a fondue place. The appetizers were really good, the deserts were good. The main course, well it was ok. I don't expect anyone who reads this to be going there, but be forwarned. It is a unique experience, the service was some of the best I've ever had.

Are you looking at the problem, are you listening

The man is walking down a road out in the country one day and he sees a farmer out in an apple orchard The farmer is holding a large pig in his arms, and the pig is eating an apple from the tree. The man walks up to the farmer and says, “Wouldn’t it save time to pick the apple and let the pig eat it off the ground?”
The farmer says, “What’s time to a pig?”

I feel this way at work way to often. I ask a question and I get an answer, but not to the question. Reading it in the context of this joke, it is possible that I did not properly word the question. Wouldn't it save the Farmer time to pick the apple and let the pig eat it off the ground.

Guess I better take another look at my communications skill.