The other night someone stopped by to see me.   Most of the lights were out, I was sitting on the back porch (had a coat on), listening to music, a cigar(really good one) in one hand and a drink in the other (Ameretto - nice).  

 

I was asked if I was OK, and I said yes.   Later in the discussion about Christmas, shopping, etc i was asked if I was suicidal.  I said no.

 

Normally, the conversation would not bother me, but she is the second person in 4 days to ask me the exact same Question.  I'm probaly reading waaaaay too much into these innocent questions, and in fact they are probably just questions that show people care.  When I didn't show up at a routine meeting during the week, someone called to make sure I was OK.  

 

Yes December really, really sucks for me.  Curtiss would have been 62 on Monday.  My sister would have been 63 at the end of this month, and I have a birthday and etc. etc. And January's burial of my wife is just around the corner.   I'm pretty sure you catch my drift that there are waaaay toooo many reasons to be unhappy or at least in deep contemplation about life in general. 

 

For the record.  I'm not suicidal,  I'm too much of a chicken for that, and the mess oh pluuueeezzz.  There are times I am depressed.  Last Friday I went to Mikes I didn't make it through dinner because my sorrow overwhelmed me.   It struck me that it was the first time I had ever been to Mikes without Mary. I had no warning that I was going to have a grief attack.  Lately I've been able see these coming, but not this time.

 

Back to Wednesday.  On Wednesday I was really just mellow.   I can now understand that there is a very fine line between mellow and depressed, and on the outside looking in they probably look the same.   And when I'm mellow I can get depressed.  I was just mellow wed.

 

It is hard to find one person to discuss all my issues with.   Some are very, very personal and that dictates one audience, and other things I'd rather discuss with someone else.  It would be nice to find one person who I can trust, confide and feel comfortable doing that with them.   Don't know who that might be.   So I'll continue to take separate problems to separate folks.  

 

BOTTOM LINE:   I AM F__KING FINE!   Or at least as good as I think I should be allowed to be.   

 

I've got lots of folks checking on me and taking me to lunch and dinner and letting me talk.  I almost need a social secretary. This weekend is no different.   Christmas parties, dinners and concerts.  A busy time of year.  

 

And Saturday I'll work on the changes in the back yard to help keep Max for escaping from the Stalag.

 

I really am ok